I’m currently sat in front of my laptop singing along to Grown Woman by the Queen Bey (even though I feel sooo young rn) and trying to think of what to write to make this post beautiful and eloquent.
Listen to the song whilst reading the post, because then we’ll be twinning. Don’t worry you can read the post and spend like thirty seconds dancing and the song still won’t be finished – yes I checked.
Alors so we’re reaching the end of the year which means I need to re-review my New Years Resolution.
My 2014 Resolution: Learn to love and be kind to my body – flaws and all.
That’s straight from the original Crooked Smile post. Now I’ve gone through what I disliked on my body (I), why I was bothering with such a vague and hard resolution (II) then what I loved about my body (III) so now is the time to be honest.
How’s the last year been?
Hard. Super fricking difficult like, why did I put myself up to this crap? This resolution has tired me out, it’s been such a roller coaster and now I just want a nap from loving myself.
The first issue was being aware of what I said to myself (yeah I talk to myself too dw) because I used to – and sometimes still do – think some awful things about my body and I didn’t even notice. I haven’t given up and it’s Dec 8 and I’m feeling pretty proud but I sort of realised in like June that this needed a lifetime commitment to work. You can’t love your body for a year then go back to being a body-negative thing the next year, it’s counter productive. Which means that this year was just a drop in the body positive ocean. Being conscious of my bad behaviour made me feel guilty and that was actually really helpful, that guilt has been my driving force all year. So cheers guilt.
Another issue was my friends – that sounds awful, I can explain – because they obviously weren’t dumb enough to follow in my steps for this resolution they didn’t edit themselves when criticising their own bodies. And one thing girls do better than bitching about others is bad mouthing their own bodies. Sometimes without thinking twice I’d join in on 10 min the self-loathing session – then feel so guilty. The times I saw the trap before I fell in I felt awkward either 1) being silent as they continued, or 2) telling them they were beautiful and being met with glances that said ‘why are you here with you happiness and perfect body‘
After the mental blood, sweat and tears though came the joy. At first I loved my body for like one day every fortnight, loving my body for a whole day takes work but I think I’ve mastered the art now. Mastered = loving myself 3/7 days or so, okay so it’s not perfect but like full 100% loving my body for seven days is still a while off. At least I don’t complain about it everyday anymore. And sixth form dress code has helped with that, I feel a little less helpless when it comes to what I spend my days in.
The weirdest thing that has helped me out is having mirror time. Looking at my body, for at least a good three minutes every day. It’s most helpful to look at my body naked, because clothes do this awesome thing of hiding certain things like stretch marks (learning to love) or collar bones (j’adore). I started doing this but willing myself to love myself whilst staring at my naked body seemed like a cold pointless exercise, so I upped the weirdness. I started singing to myself… I’m starting to sound like a girl who watched too many disney films growing up…
But stay with me. Okay so John Legend’s You and I came out and it seemed like the perfect song to sing myself into happiness and body positivity with. And it worked, not only do I know all the words to a dope-ass song I also learnt to love myself a little more. I’m not saying it’ll work for everyone but it works for me and I ain’t the type of girl who tries to fix shit that ain’t broke! I actually have like 5 songs that I can sing to myself but You and I is hands down the best and the video is just too perf.
So that’s been my year…
What do I think now?
I’d go through this struggle for the rest of my life for those couple days of loving myself I get.
It’s so worth the pain because I don’t waste a single moment of my day stressing over what I look like and I’m just happier. It’s so much easier to see beauty in others when I’m not loathing my body, because then the beauty I see isn’t tainted by envy. I don’t want to compete with other girls, what’s the point, we’re all too dope for that trivial crap.
Soooo that’s my fourth review of my New Years Resolution, I will probs do more in due time when I have more crap to tell you guys. I’ve already started planning my 2015 Resolution, haven’t picked one yet but y’all will be like the first – maybe second or third actually – to know.
**Oh and another dumb idea I had – 12 hour fasts every Wednesday for advent, I’ve already missed one week which I’ll have to make up for later… Yeah, will let you know how that stupidity goes. There’s something about fasting, it always seems like a good idea when you’re not doing it.