Confidence…

I realised whilst on holiday in Zim that I 1) don’t need other people to find me beautiful to feel beautiful and 2) don’t even need to dress up to feel beautiful.

I am a paradox, let’s start there. I speak about how I don’t need other peoples love and attention to feel good but in my heart I know I’m not yet that strong and confident. In England, it’s safe to say I’m not the flavour of the day – as in I’m not the type of girl that guys would buy posters of and stick on their walls. I’ve come to this conclusion because 99% of the beautiful girls I see on TV are caucasian, with the bodies of supermodels or music video vixens. And I am cool with that, to an extent, because I have no choice but to be cool with it – then I went on holiday and suddenly I fit someone else’s beauty standards.

Now I am not used to being anyones flavour of the day, that’s reserved for other girls a mon avis, but I got a taste of it in Zim. And it was very flattering that guys tried to talk to me, terrifying because I didn’t know how to respond but flattering. This is where the not needing to dress up comes in because I got the same amount of attention when I tried and when I didn’t, which makes me think makeup and nice clothes are useless when trying to attract guys. Thank goodness for my laziness daily to make an effort, I literally roll out of bed, shower, moisturise and I’m done for most days.

So I decided that if I failed to find love elsewhere – not that I’m looking or care where it comes from – I could always come back home where I’m admired and to hell with western beauty standards. They don’t know it but I think Africans of my generation who still live on the continent are very lucky to have genuinely racially diverse role models. It’s especially nice seeing women of different shapes, backgrounds and sizes who are working together.

What’s the point of conforming to any beauty standards when they’re often unattainable and always changing because of time and region. I’m gonna do me until I die and whoever wants to hang with me as friends or romantically can hop on, au revoir to everyone else!

kudzi xo

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Thoughts From Last Week

There are so many thoughts and ideas running through my head…
I think about my family, my history, my future, my beliefs and their foundations. The rights and wrongs, victories and failures…
I pray, wish and seek out ‘omens’. Signs to validate my actions. Pray for forgiveness, for Lord I am so unworthy for your love and care and affection. I wish I was more … perfect, even if perfection is unattainable.
Reading I see parts of myself in (fictional) characters and I wonder, how many people recognise those same features in themselves – and how do the people who dont judge those features. I see myself in Nyasha – Nervous Conditions – lost between two worlds, resentful, stubborn, thoughtful, enlightened but lost nonetheless. I also see how much I am yet to understand, to truly know.
I am yet to know true love, I’ve known love but not the kind that seems to last for a lifetime, not the kind you just can’t get over but instead chose to live with. I am yet to know the pain of losing those I love to death, I feel she’s near – ready to take someone when I’m least expecting it.
I am blessed. I have a loving, supportive family. Great friends I wouldn’t trade for the worlds riches. Memories of a beautiful past, and the chance to create a beautiful future – however long or short that may be. I was given such a firm foundation in life, it’s my responsibility to build onwards and upwards in a sensible sturdy manner  – without losing myself on the way.
Merci Bcp et Bonne Nuit…

Stressin Out

I haven’t blogged in 10 years, I apologise.

People said A Level would be hard, but I didn’t think it could really be THIS hard, or maybe I’m just dumb. Urrggghhh, and last week was just awful, spent everyday exhausted. Hopefully this week will be better, and after that I can get back into some form of routine in which I actually blog once a week. It’s official though, I’m doing too many extra things in school, I know because they all hit me last week – I literally had NO free time because I was either doing something or trying to catch up on all the work that needed to happen on top of my ‘fun’ stuff.

I need a month long nap, but that aint happening till summer.

Au revoir and I’m so sorry

kudzi xo

Learning

Just a few thoughts… Know I haven’t blogged in a while (dèsole in advance).

Being a woman is hard enough, being a black woman can sometimes be unbearable.
But for every storm in this journey there are days worth of smooth failing filled with countless blessings. 
I am black, a woman, a feminist and an activist. In no particular order. 
And I will fight to stand with those who need me. And everyday I will remind myself that I have value, I am beautiful, I am “kind, smart & important”.

If you wanna try and stand in my way, lord help you…

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry,

sorry we couldn’t save you.

You didn’t deserve this, you have no part in these awful wars.

Your purpose was to learn, in the hope that education would be the tool that would protect you throughout your adult years.

But now we’ll never know.

I pray for your souls.

For their terror in those final moments.

May you find peace with your God. May he comfort you.

I pray for your families.

You will be missed.

You were are so important, so loved, so cherished.

I hope for justice.

I hope, as awful as it may sound, that you are the last to suffer.

That we learn and protect the brothers and sisters you’ve left behind.

I beg for forgiveness, that you may forgive me.

For not getting to know you, your interests and pet peeves.

Did you enjoy sciences, literature or languages?

Did you like any sports, or maybe you preferred performing arts.

So many questions.

But now it’s too late;

to hear your beautiful voices.

To laugh with you.

To hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay.

I apologise on behalf of the governments which indirectly were the root of your suffering, I’d like to believe it was an accident. And that had they known this would be a consequence, they never would’ve brought the war to your front doors.

I’m so sorry.

I am sorry.

Rest in peace. 

kudzi xo

Laisse Moi

Bonj,

I know I’m so late, I feel like the kid who thinks of the best comebacks two years after the fight is over but I need to articulate this before I go mad thinking about it before I go to bed.

Okay before my rant begins, I love Laci Green – I may be a little obsessed with her. And in this video she is 85% right in my opinion. Her correctness though is irrelevant in this post.

First of all, the reason this matters to me is the series changed me into a bookworm. I remember being in Year 6 (last year of primary school) and sitting in the playground – in winter – reading instead of playing with my friends. Granted I have always preferred reading to playing but they changed me. They turned me into the (rude) child who’d sit at the back of the class with any good novel in my lap not listening to a word the teacher was saying…

My Twilight fever never died down either. I haven’t watched any Twilight film without rereading ALL FOUR BOOKS. Even if I’m just watching one film  – I just start with one book and can’t stop until I turn the last page in Breaking Dawn. I’m a lot better now, I only reread the series once a year – at the height of my addiction I could reread it thrice in a year without seeing any problem with it.

And I get that Bella was a shady role model, she had her issues. (And Edward was controlling, Jacob was a dickhead, Mike never stood a chance, Jessica was too superficial) BUT she had some characteristics that I admired,

Resilience – she was a hard headed thing. For better and for worse, she knew how to make you think the craziest things were a good idea. She knew what she wanted and she never quit.

Selflessness – as a Christian this is something I’m supposed to be a pro at but if I could never compete with her. So many times she risked her life to save the people she loved, be it Renee in Twilight or her daughter in Breaking Dawn.

She fixed her own problems – yeah she could’ve avoided a lot of problems in the first place but when shit got messy she didn’t wait for someone else to sort them out for her. Now of course 90% of the time someone swooped in to help her but she wasn’t a sitting duck ever.

Now I’m not trying to convince you to love Twilight. But I just wanted to show that theres another side, even if some of her behaviour goes against my very crazy obsessive feminist nature.

Another thing relating to feminism – I love feminism because for me it’s about giving women the choice to be heroines or damsels in distress. Women who choose to devote their lives to their significant others aren’t anti feminism. But forcing women to see their place as in the kitchen is anti feminism, we can’t black list all authors who show women cooking and cleaning because some women love that stuff.

Finally, to Harry Potter fans please stop trying to prove how awesome your film is by putting Twilight down.

I don’t doubt Harry Potter is amazing, haven’t watched or read it, but it has some great reviews. Emma Watson’s character is apparently quite the feminist. The memes and quotes to me are like girl on girl hate – Twilight’s beauty (IMO) doesn’t make Harry Potter any less beautiful – especially since the films are so different in terms of plot. Loving the two shouldn’t be mutually exclusive events. Oh and I don’t doubt there are Twilight fans bad mouthing HP – y’all need to stop too. I don’t like abuse from either side.

I think I’m done ranting. I can take a breath now and sleep easy.

Have a good week mes amis

kudzi xo

Oh and guess what… IT’S NEARLY CHRISTMAS!!!!

The Perfect Crooked Smile IV

I’m currently sat in front of my laptop singing along to Grown Woman by the Queen Bey (even though I feel sooo young rn) and trying to think of what to write to make this post beautiful and eloquent.

Listen to the song whilst reading the post, because then we’ll be twinning. Don’t worry you can read the post and spend like thirty seconds dancing and the song still won’t be finished – yes I checked.

Alors so we’re reaching the end of the year which means I need to re-review my New Years Resolution.

My 2014 Resolution: Learn to love and be kind to my body – flaws and all. 

That’s straight from the original Crooked Smile post. Now I’ve gone through what I disliked on my body (I), why I was bothering with such a vague and hard resolution (II) then what I loved about my body (III) so now is the time to be honest.

How’s the last year been?

Hard. Super fricking difficult like, why did I put myself up to this crap? This resolution has tired me out, it’s been such a roller coaster and now I just want a nap from loving myself.

The first issue was being aware of what I said to myself (yeah I talk to myself too dw) because I used to – and sometimes still do – think some awful things about my body and I didn’t even notice. I haven’t given up and it’s Dec 8 and I’m feeling pretty proud but I sort of realised in like June that this needed a lifetime commitment to work. You can’t love your body for a year then go back to being a body-negative thing the next year, it’s counter productive. Which means that this year was just a drop in the body positive ocean. Being conscious of my bad behaviour made me feel guilty and that was actually really helpful, that guilt has been my driving force all year. So cheers guilt.

Another issue was my friends – that sounds awful, I can explain – because they obviously weren’t dumb enough to follow in my steps for this resolution they didn’t edit themselves when criticising their own bodies. And one thing girls do better than bitching about others is bad mouthing their own bodies. Sometimes without thinking twice I’d join in on 10 min the self-loathing session – then feel so guilty. The times I saw the trap before I fell in I felt awkward either 1) being silent as they continued, or 2) telling them they were beautiful and being met with glances that said ‘why are you here with you happiness and perfect body

After the mental blood, sweat and tears though came the joy. At first I loved my body for like one day every fortnight, loving my body for a whole day takes work but I think I’ve mastered the art now. Mastered = loving myself 3/7 days or so, okay so it’s not perfect but like full 100% loving my body for seven days is still a while off. At least I don’t complain about it everyday anymore. And sixth form dress code has helped with that, I feel a little less helpless when it comes to what I spend my days in.

The weirdest thing that has helped me out is having mirror time. Looking at my body, for at least a good three minutes every day. It’s most helpful to look at my body naked, because clothes do this awesome thing of hiding certain things like stretch marks (learning to love) or collar bones (j’adore). I started doing this but willing myself to love myself whilst staring at my naked body seemed like a cold pointless exercise, so I upped the weirdness. I started singing to myself… I’m starting to sound like a girl who watched too many disney films growing up… 

But stay with me. Okay so John Legend’s You and I came out and it seemed like the perfect song to sing myself into happiness and body positivity with. And it worked, not only do I know all the words to a dope-ass song I also learnt to love myself a little more. I’m not saying it’ll work for everyone but it works for me and I ain’t the type of girl who tries to fix shit that ain’t broke! I actually have like 5 songs that I can sing to myself but You and I is hands down the best and the video is just too perf.

So that’s been my year…

What do I think now?

I’d go through this struggle for the rest of my life for those couple days of loving myself I get.

It’s so worth the pain because I don’t waste a single moment of my day stressing over what I look like and I’m just happier. It’s so much easier to see beauty in others when I’m not loathing my body, because then the beauty I see isn’t tainted by envy. I don’t want to compete with other girls, what’s the point, we’re all too dope for that trivial crap.

Soooo that’s my fourth review of my New Years Resolution, I will probs do more in due time when I have more crap to tell you guys. I’ve already started planning my 2015 Resolution, haven’t picked one yet but y’all will be like the first – maybe second or third actually – to know.

**Oh and another dumb idea I had – 12 hour fasts every Wednesday for advent, I’ve already missed one week which I’ll have to make up for later… Yeah, will let you know how that stupidity goes. There’s something about fasting, it always seems like a good idea when you’re not doing it. 

Bisous

kudzi xo